Tuesday Morning Torah – November 14, 2017
Take A Deep Breath
Lessons from Jacob and Esau
Family dynamics can be complicated. Even in the closest of families there are times when individual members need to carve out some space for themselves. Tensions can rise, arguments can occur- and sometimes kids, and grownups, simply need to take some time to step back and re-group. In this week’s parsha, parshat Toldot, we are introduced to Jacob, and Esau. As we read about stolen birthrights and blessings, jealousy, parental favoritism, and deception between family members, we are reminded that family complications go back quite a long time. Indeed the tensions are so extreme that after Esau realizes that Jacob has stolen his blessing, the Torah tells us that:
Esau harbored a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing which his father had given him, and Esau said to himself, “Let but the mourning period of my father come, and I will kill my brother Jacob.” When the words of her older son Esau were reported to Rebekah, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, “Your brother Esau is consoling himself by planning to kill you. Now, my son, listen to me. Flee at once to Haran, to my brother Laban. Stay with him a while, until your brother’s fury subsides, until your brother’s anger against you subsides- and he forgets what you have done to him. Then I will fetch you from there. Let me not lose you both in one day! Genesis 27:41-45
Rebekah, who designed the plot to ensure that Jacob would receive the blessing of the first born- tells Jacob to run. Esau is so angry that he is prepared to kill his brother. In a grammatical point of ambiguity, one commentary understands the text to say that Rebekah was not just speaking about Esau’s anger, but rather telling Jacob that he needed some time to calm down as well. An alternative reading of 27:44-45 above is as follows: Stay with him (Laban) a while, until your brother’s fury subsides, until anger at your brother subsides from you (Min HaTorah).
Using this interpretation, we would understand Rebekah to mean that Jacob needed to wait for Esau’s anger, and his own anger, to subside. Perhaps Esau was not the only one to be angry in this relationship. Perhaps there were other reasons for Jacob’s initial trickery. Perhaps Jacob wanted to cause his brother some pain by his actions. We don’t have the entire back story in this relationship between brothers as the Torah is silent on this point. But we all know that sometimes, when family members are in a fight, both sides need to cool off before re-engaging in a healthy and productive relationship. While we cannot always control the feelings and actions of other’s in our life, nor the complicated situations in which we may find ourselves, we can always control our own emotions and our own response in any given relationship.
We all have moments when we are frustrated, angry, upset, or hurt at family members, friends and colleagues. We all have moments when we want to scream, yell, post rants on social media or send nasty e-mails (don’t, by the way- it never works…). This week, let us remember Rebekah’s advice to Jacob. Let us remember that it is often best to take a long deep breath before responding in challenging situation. Let us remember that “who is at fault” is often less consequential than how we choose to respond.
May each of us be blessed with the courage and patience to engage in this sacred inner work.
